上篇 最强大脑

1 I Think That I Am a Bird

Psychiatrist: What’s your problem?

Patient: I think I’m a bird.

Psychiatrist: How long has fhis been going on?

Patient: Ever since I was an egg!

我认为自己是一只鸟

精神病医生：你怎么了？

病人：我觉得自己是一只鸟。

精神病医生：这种情况有多久了？

病人：从我是一只蛋开始！

2 Does He Bite

Harry: We have got a new dog. Would you like to come around and play with him?

Joe: Well, I don’t know—does he bite?

Harry: That’s what I want to find out.

它咬人吗

哈利：“我们又得到了一条新狗，你愿意过来和它玩一会儿吗？”

乔：“嗯，我不知道——它咬人吗？”

哈利：“这正是我想要知道的。”

3 Put the Peach Back on the Tree

John: I had a rough time this norning. The farmer caught me in one of his peach trees.

Donna：Gosh!What did you do?

John: I told him one of his peaches fell down and I was trying to put it back!

把桃子放回树上去

约翰：我今天早晨非常不顺。那个农民在他的一棵桃树上抓住了我。

堂娜：天啊！你干了些什么呀？

约翰：我告诉他他的一个桃子掉在地上了，我只是想把它放回去。

4 I Did Not

Late one night at the insane asylum one inmate shouted:“I am Napoleon!”

Another one said,“How do you know?”

The first inmate said,“God told me!”

Just then, a voice from another room shouted,“I did not!”

我才没有

一天深夜，疯人院里一个病人大叫道：“我是拿破仑！”

另一个问：“你怎么知道？”

第一个病人回答：“上帝告诉我的！”

这时，另一个房间里有人吼道：“我才没有！”

5 Poisonous Snakes

Father and son snake are out for nice ofternoon.

The son asks,“Dad, are we poisonous snakes?”

The father replies proudly,“Yes, son, we are rattler snakes! Why do you ask so?”

“Because dad, I just bite my tongue!”

毒蛇

一个阳光明媚的下午，蛇父亲和蛇儿子出去散步。

儿子问：“爸爸，我们是毒蛇吗？”

父亲得意地答道：“当然了，孩子，我们是响尾蛇啊！为什么这么问呢？”

“因为，刚才我把舌头咬破了！”

6 Frog

The teacher was lecturing his class in biology and said,“Now I’ll show you this frog in my pocket.”

He then reached into his pocket and pulled out a chicken sandwich. He looked puzzled for a second, thought deeply, and said,“That’s funny. I distinctly remember I have had my lunch.”

青蛙

老师正在给学生上生物课，说道：“现在，我将要给你们看我袋子里的这只青蛙。”

接着，他把手伸进口袋，却拿出了一份鸡肉三明治。老师满脸困惑地看了一眼，沉思了一会儿，说道：“真奇怪。我明明记得我已经把午饭吃掉了。”

7 Pose for Pictures

One day my friend Isaac and I were exploring the beautiful Rocky Mountains.

Handing my camera to Isaac, I embarked on a precarious climb, hoping to reach a cave high on a cliff wall. After an arduous ascent, I finally reached the cave and turned to pose for photographic testimony of my accomplishment.

As I waved to ant‐size Isaac, I heard his faint call to me,“How do you work this camera?”

拍照留念

有一天，我和朋友艾萨克到美丽的落基山探险。

我将照相机递给艾萨克，爬上一个陡峭的地方，希望到达高耸在崖壁上的一个洞穴。我费了九牛二虎之力终于登上那个洞穴后，转过来做了个姿势，准备将自己的光辉形象照下来留作纪念。

我向下面像蚂蚁一样大小的艾萨克招手时，听到他声音微弱地冲我喊道：“你这照相机怎么用？”

8 Tell Horses Apart

Two blondes went to the market.While they were there, they each bought a horse.

When they got home, they discussed how to tell their horses apart. They decided to cut the tail off of one. That worked for a while, but soon the tail grew back.So they decided that they would break one of the horses’legs.

One of the blondes said,“Which of the horses should we break the leg off of, the brown one or the white one?”

区分马

两名金发女人到市场去。她们到了那儿以后，每人买了一匹马。

回到家后，她们商量着如何把她们的马区分开来，于是她们决定剪掉其中一匹的尾巴。这管用了一段时间，但很快尾巴长回原来的样子了，于是她们又决定砍掉其中一匹马的腿。

一名金发女人说：“我们应该把哪匹马的腿砍掉呢？棕色那一匹还是白色那一匹？”

9 Space Race

A Russian, an American, and a blonde were talking one day.

The Russian said,“We were the first in space!”

The American said,“We were the first on the moon!”

The blonde said,“So what? We’re going to be the first on the sun!”

The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads,“You can’t land on the sun, you idiot! You’ll burn up!”

The blonde replied,“We’re not stupid, you know. We’re going at night!”

太空竞赛

一天，一名俄罗斯人、一名美国人和一位金发女郎正在聊天。

俄罗斯人说：“我们最先进入太空！”

美国人说：“我们最先登上月球！”

金发女郎说：“那又怎么样？我们将最先抵达太阳！”

俄罗斯人和美国人对视了一眼，然后摇头说：“你不可能抵达太阳，笨蛋！你会被烤焦的！”

女郎回答说：“我们才不笨呢，我们将在晚上去那儿。”

10 Chewing Gum

James was making his first airplane flight from Dublin to London. He was handed some chewing gums by the hostess.“What’s this for, Miss?”he asked.

“That’s to stop your ears popping as the plane gains altitude.”said the hostess.

Two and a half hours later, James passed the hostess on his way out of the plane.“That was a grand experience, Miss, ”he said,“but just tell me one thing. ”

“Yes？”

“How to get the chewing gum out of my ears？”

口香糖

詹姆斯第一次坐飞机，从都柏林飞往伦敦。空中小姐给他递了些口香糖。“这是干什么用的，小姐？”他问。

“它可以防止飞机上升时引起的耳膜鼓胀。”空中小姐说。

两个半小时后，詹姆斯在走下飞机路过那位空中小姐身边时问：“小姐，这真是了不起的经历，但请你告诉我一件事。”

“什么事？”

“怎么才能把口香糖从耳朵里取出来？”

11 Small White Rabbit Fishing

The first day, the small white rabbit went to riverside fishing, anything had not fished, then went home.

The second day, the small white rabbit went to riverside fishing, anything had not fished, went home again.

The third day, when the small white rabbit just arrived at the riverside, a big fish jumped from the river, and yelled to the small white rabbit,“You, if dares to work with carrot as the bait again, I’ll flatly die you!”

小白兔钓鱼

第一天，小白兔来到河边钓鱼，什么也没钓到，于是回家去了。

第二天，小白兔来到河边钓鱼，还是什么也没钓到，又回家去了。

第三天，小白兔刚走到河边，河里跃出一条大鱼，对小白兔吼道：“你，如果敢再拿胡萝卜当诱饵。我一定杀了你！”

12 One for the Price of Two

There was a shop that sold chickens and a woman came in and wanted to buy a chicken. so the shopkeeper brought out a chicken and gave it to her, saying,“This one is thirty dollars. ”And the woman said,“Oh, that’s too small. Don’t you have something bigger?”

But the man didn’t, so he took that chicken and weighed it again somewhere and then said,“Here’s a bigger one, this one is forty dollars. ”

So the woman said,“OK, I’ll take both of them.”

一物二价

有一家卖鸡的店，一个女人走进店里想买一只鸡。老板抓出一只鸡给她说：“这只三十元。”那位女士说：“噢，这只太小了，有没有大一点儿的？”

老板没有更大只的鸡，就把刚才那只鸡拿到里面再秤一次，然后跟顾客说：“这里有一只比较大，卖四十元。”

那位女士说：“好，那两只我都要！”

13 Flying Turtle

Deep within a forest, a little turtle began to climb a tree. After hours of effort he reached the top, jumped into the air waving his front legs and crashed to the ground.

After recovering, he slowly climbed the tree again, jumped, and fell to the ground. The turtle tried again and again while a couple of birds sitting on a branch watched his sad efforts.

Finally, the female bird turned to her mate,“Dear, ”she chirped,“I think it’s time to tell him he’s adopted. ”

飞翔的海龟

在森林的深处，一只小海龟开始准备爬树。几小时的努力后他终于到达了树顶，向前一跃，在空中摆动了几下前腿便摔到了地上。

恢复体力后，他再次慢慢地爬上树梢，一跃，然后又摔了下去。可怜的小海龟一次又一次的努力都被栖息在树枝上的一对鸟夫妇看在眼里。

最后，鸟夫人转过头看着她的丈夫。“亲爱的，”她说，“我认为现在是时候告诉他，他是我们领养的了。”

14 The Ability of the Kangaroo

The zoo built a special seven‐foot‐high enclosure for its newly acquired kangaroo, but the next morning the animal was found hopping around outside. The height of the fence was increased to 12 feet, but the kangaroo got out again. Exasperated, the zoo director had the height increased to 50 feet, but the kangaroo still escaped.

A giraffe asked the kangaroo,“How high do you think they’ll build the fence?”

“I don’t know. ”said the kangaroo,“Maybe 500 feet if they keep leaving the gate unlocked.”

袋鼠的能力

动物园为刚引进的袋鼠建了一个特殊的七英尺高的围场，但是第二天早上，人们发现这个家伙在围墙外面蹦跳着。于是围墙高度增加到十二英尺，但袋鼠还是跑了出来。动物园经理甚感恼火，又叫人把围墙高度加到五十英尺，但袋鼠还是逃了出来。

一个长颈鹿问袋鼠：“你认为他们会把围墙建到多高？”

“我不知道，”袋鼠说，“如果他们继续开着大门，可能要修到五百英尺吧。”

15 Special Kiss

An old cowhand came riding into town on a hot, dry, dusty day. The local sheriff watched from his chair in front of the saloon as the cowboy wearily dismounted and tied his horse to the rail. The cowboy then moved slowly to the back of the horse, lifted its tail, and placed a big kiss where the sun doesn’t shine. He dropped the horse’s tail, stepped up on the walk and aimed toward the swinging door of the saloon.

“Hold on there, Mister. ”said the sheriff,“Did I just see what I think I saw? ”

“Reckon you did, Sheriff, I got me some powerful chapped lips. ”

“And that cures them? ”the Sheriff asked.

“Nope, but it keeps me from licking them.”

特殊的亲吻

在一个炎热干燥、灰尘满天的日子，老牛仔骑马来到镇上。治安官坐在酒吧前看着老牛仔筋疲力尽地下马，把马拴在栏杆上。然后老牛仔慢慢走到马后，提起马尾巴，在太阳晒不到的地方使劲亲了一下。他放下马尾巴，上台阶朝酒吧摆动的门走去。

“先生，等一等，”治安官说，“我刚才没有看错吧？”

“估计没有，治安官，我的唇开裂得厉害。”

“那样做就可以治愈吗？”治安官问。

“不，但是我就不会去舔嘴唇了。”

16 Another Choice

An elderly doctor and a Presbyterian minister were seated next to each other on the plane. The plane was delayed at the start due to some technical problems. Just after taking off, the pilot offered his apologies to the passengers and announced that a round of free drinks would be served.

When the charming air‐hostess came round with the trolley, the doctor ordered a gin and tonic for himself. The hostess then asked the minister whether he wanted anything. He replied,“Oh no! Thank you. I would rather commit adultery than drink alcohol. ”

The elderly doctor promptly handed back his gin and tonic to the air‐hostess saying,“Madam, I did not know there was a choice. ”

另一个选择

有位上了年纪的老医师搭飞机，邻座是位长老会的牧师。基于某些技术上的问题，延缓了飞机起飞的时间。

起飞后，机长向乘客们致歉，并宣布马上有免费的饮料招待各位旅客。当迷人的空服小姐推着手推车过来时，医生向她要了一杯杜松子酒。

空服小姐接着问邻座的牧师要不要喝点东西。他答道：“不，谢谢你，我宁愿通奸，也不要喝酒。”

老医生一听，马上把他的酒退还给空服小姐说：“小姐，我刚刚不知道还有另一个选择。”

17 Eat，Coat

One day Neil went to a big dinner party. He was wearing old clothes, and when he came in, nobody looked at him and nobody gave him a seat at a table. so Neil went home, put on his best clothes, and then went back to the party. The host at once got up and came to meet him. He took him to the best table, gave him a good seat, and offered him the best dishes.

Neil put his coat in the food and said,“Eat, coat!”

The other guests were very surprised and said,“What are you doing?”

Neil answered,“I was inviting my coat to eat. When I wearing my old clothes,nobady looked at me or offered me food or drink. Then I went home and came back in these clothes, and you gave me the best food and drink. So you gave me these things for my clothes, not for myself. ”

大衣，你吃吧

一天，尼尔去参加一个盛大的晚宴。他穿了一身旧衣服，所以当他进去的时候，谁都没瞧他一眼，也没人请他入席就座。于是尼尔回到家，穿上他最好的衣服，回到晚宴上。主人立刻起身来欢迎他。他把尼尔带到一张最好的桌子旁，给了他最好的座位，并为他端来最好的菜肴。

尼尔把大衣放到食物盘子里说：“大衣，你吃吧！”

别的客人们都十分惊讶地说：“你在干什么？”

尼尔回答道：“我正邀请我的大衣用餐。我刚才穿着旧衣服的时候，你们谁都不理睬我，也没人给我吃的喝的。后来我回到家换了这身衣服回来，你们就给了我最好的食物和饮料。所以，你们给的这些东西，是给我的衣服吃的，并不是给我吃的。”

18 A Boring Man

A serious old gentleman hated people who were always looking around for other friends while they were seaking to him, and never listening to him attentively. Once he was having a conversation with a quite interesting old friend when one of the most boring men he knew joined them.

“Good evening. ”said this man,“How is your wife? ”

“I killed her this morning. ” .

“Oh, good, good,”replied the other without a moment’s hesitation looking around, see if he could find important person to talk to.

“With an axe. ”the first man continued.

“How nice for you both!”the other man answered,“And what are you going to do now? ”

“I am to kill you next. ”answered the first man.

“Oh, good, ”said the other absent‐mindedly.

“That’s very kind of you. Well, I must go speak to Judge Hampton now.”

无聊之人

一位严肃的老绅士很讨厌那些跟他说话时东张西望找其他的朋友，并且不仔细听他讲话的人。有一次，当他正和一位有趣的老朋友谈话时，一个他认识的无聊的人加入了他们。

“晚上好，”这个人说，“你妻子还好？”

“我今天早上杀了她。”

“哦，很好很好。”那人毫不犹豫地回答，同时还寻找着其他更重要的朋友。

“用斧子。”第一个人继续说。

“哦，这对你俩都好。”另一个人回答道，“你们现在要干什么呢？”

“我下面要杀掉你。”第一个人回答说。

“哦，好啊。”那人漫不经心地说。

“好呀，好呀。嗯，我要去告诉汉普顿法官。”

19 He Was Only Wrong by Two

Jack Hawkins was the football coach at an American college, and he was always trying to find good players, but they weren’t always smart enough to be accepted by the college.

One day, the coach brought an excellent young player to the dean of the college and asked that the student be allowed to enter without an examination.“Well, ”the dean said after some persuasion,“I’d better ask him a few questions first.”

Then he turned to the student and asked him some very easy questions, but the student didn’t know any of the answers.

At last, the dean said,“Well, what’s six time eight?”

The student thought for a long time and then answered,

“Forty‐nine.”

The dean threw up his hands and looked at the coach in despair, but the coach said earnestly,“Oh, please let him in, sir! He was only wrong by two.”

他的答案只比正确答案差二

杰克·霍金斯是美国一所学院的橄榄球队教练，他竭力想物色好球员。但是好球员学业不行，院方不愿录取。

有一天，教练带着一位优秀的年轻球员去见院长，希望院方同意他免试入学。经过一番劝说后院长说：“那我最好先问他几个问题。”

然后他转向学生，问了几个非常简单的问题。可是那个学生一个也答不上来。

最后院长说：“那么，六乘八得多少？”

学生想了很久，然后回答说：“四十九。”

院长摊开双手失望地看了看教练，可是教练认真地说：“噢，录取他吧，先生，他的答案只比正确答案差二。”

20 The Talking Frog

One day, a boy was crossing a road when a frog called out to him and said,“If you kiss me, I’ll turn into a beautiful princess. ”He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.

The frog spoke up again and said,“If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week. ”The boy took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out,“If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I’ll stay with you and do anything you want. ”Again, the boy took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.

Finally, the frog asked,“What is it? I’ve told you I’m a beautiful princess that I’ll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won’t you kiss me? ”

The boy said,“Look, I’m a computer programmer. I don’t have time for girlfriends, but a talking frog is really cool. ”

会讲话的青蛙

一天，一个男孩走在路上，这时一只青蛙大声唤住他说：“如果你吻我一下，我会变成一个漂亮的公主。”他弯下腰，捡起这只青蛙把它放进口袋里。

青蛙又开口说道：“如果你吻我，把我变回一个漂亮的公主，我会和你生活一星期。”男孩从口袋里拿出青蛙，对它笑了一下，又把它放回口袋里。这时青蛙叫起来：“如果你吻我，把我变回为公主，我会和你待在一起，而且可以为你做任何事。”男孩再一次把它拿出来，对它笑笑，又把它放回口袋里。

最后，青蛙问道：“怎么回事？我告诉过你我是一名漂亮的公主，我会和你生活一星期，而且可以让你随心所欲。为什么你不吻我？”

男孩说：“我是一名电脑程序员，我没有时间谈女朋友，但是拥有一只会说话的青蛙却是一件非常酷的事。”

21 Hot Air Balloon

A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts:

“Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?”

The man below says,“Yes, you’re in a hot air balloon, hovering 40 feet above this field. ”

“Thank you very much indeed. You must work in Information Technology. ”says the balloonist.

“I do. ”replies the man,“How did you know?”

“Well, ”says the balloonist,“you’ve given me a smart‐aleck response to a straightforward question, and although everything you have told me is technically correct, it’s of no use to anyone!”

The man below hollers back,“You must be a very senior manager in business. ”

“I am, ”replies the balloonist,“but how can you tell?”

“Well, ”says the man,“you don’t know where you are, or where you’re going, but you expect me to be able to help. You’re in the same position you were before we met, but now it’s my fault. ”

热气球

一个人乘着热气球飞在天上，他发现自己迷路了，就降低了飞行高度。他看见自己的下方有一个人，于是便进一步降低了气球高度并高声喊道：

“对不起，你能告诉我我现在所处的位置吗？”

“好的，”下面的人回答，“你正呆在一个热气球里，在离地面40英尺的空中盘旋。”

“谢谢你，你准是搞计算机之类行当的。”热气球中的人说。

“没错儿！”地面上的人答道，“你是怎么知道的？”

“这么说吧，”气球上的人说，“我问了你一个直截了当的问题，你却用一个你自认为够聪明的答案来打发我，尽管你所说的从技术上看都对，可就是毫无用处！”

地面上的人也冲着天上喊了起来：“你一定是一个在商界干了很多年的管理人员。”

“不错，我是，”气球上的人说，“你又是怎么看出来的呢？”

“好吧，”地面上的人说，“你不知道你在哪儿，也不知道应该往哪儿去，于是你希望我能帮忙。现在你还是在碰见我之前所处的老地方呆着，却怪起我来了！”

22 Fast Chicken

A man was driving along a freeway when he noticed a chicken running along side the road, beside his car.

He was amazed to see that the chicken was keeping up with him.Glancing down at his speedometer, he noticed that he was doing 50 MPH.

He accelerated to 70 miles per hour, and the chicken stayed right next to him. He sped up to 80 MPH and the chicken kept up.

The man then noticed that the chicken had three legs. Growing even more curious, he followed the chicken down a road and into a farm. He got out of his car and saw that all the chickens around him had three legs.

He asked the farmer,“What’s up with these three legged chickens?”

The farmer said,“Well, whenever we have chicken for dinner, everyone in the family fights over the legs, but there are only two. I have bred a three legged bird. It’s going to make me a millionaire.”

“How do they taste?”the man asked.

The farmer said,“Don’t know yet, I haven’t been able to catch one.”

跑得飞快的鸡

一个男人驾车行驶在高速公路上，他注意到一只鸡正在他的旁边沿着公路飞奔。

他非常惊讶，因为他看出这只鸡快追上他了。看一下速度计，他注意到现在的速度是每小时50英里。

他把速度提升到70英里时速，而那只鸡仍紧跟着他。他再加速到80英里时速，而鸡仍能追上。

这时男人注意到这只鸡有三条腿。他更加感到奇怪了，便跟着这只鸡沿着公路开进一个农场内。从车上下来，他看见周围所有的鸡都是三条腿。他问农场主：“这些三条腿的鸡是怎么回事呀？”

农场主回答说：“每次我们吃鸡的时候，家里人都会为鸡腿而争斗一番，但每只鸡只有两条腿啊。于是我便培育了一种三条腿的鸡，这将使我成为百万富翁。”

“那它们尝起来怎么样？”男人问。

农场主说：“还不知道呢，至今我都还没能抓到一只。”

23 Pay for the Mother

A young man was walking through a supermarket to pick a few things when he noticed an old lady following him around.

Thinking nothing of it, he ignored her and continued on.

Finally he went to the checkout line, but she got in front of him.“Pardon me, ”she said,“I’m sorry if my staring at you has made you feel uncomfortable. It’s just that you look just like my son, who just died recently. ”

“I’m very sorry.”replied the young man,“Is there anything I can do for you?”“Yes,”she said,“as I’m leaving, can you say‘Good‐bye mother’? It would make me feel much better. ”

“Sure.”answered the young man.

As the old woman was leaving, he called out,“Good‐bye mother!”and felt quite good about himself that he did a good deed and made someone feel happy. As he stepped up to the checkout counter, he saw that his total was ＄276.5.“How can that be? ”he asked,“I only purchased a few things!”“Your mother said that you would pay for her. ”said the clerk.

为“妈妈”埋单

一个年轻人到超市选了几样东西，他注意到一个老太太总是跟着他。

年轻人觉得没什么事，就没理会她，继续购物。

最后他来到收银处，老太太插到他的前面。“原谅我，”她说，“抱歉，我总是盯着你让你不舒服了。只是因为你和我刚死去的儿子长得一模一样。”

“很遗憾，”年轻人回答，“我可以为您做点什么吗？”“好的，”她说，“我走的时候你能跟我说‘妈妈再见’吗？如果可以，会让我好受一些。”“没问题。”年轻人回答。

老太太走的时候，年轻人喊道：“妈妈再见！”年轻人觉得自己做了一件好事，让别人觉得快乐，自己感觉好极了。轮到他结账时，他看到总额是276.5美元。“怎么有这么多？”他问，“我买的东西不多啊！”“你妈妈说你会为她埋单。”收银员说。

24 Caught by Cannibals

A Frenchman, an Englishman and an American were captured by cannibals.

The chief comes to them and says,“The bad news is that now we’ve caught you and we’re going to kill you. We will put you in a pot, cook you, eat you and then we’re going to use your skins to build a canoe. The good news is that you can choose how to die. ”

The Frenchman says,“I want a sword. ”The chief gives him a sword, the Frenchman says,“Vive la France! ”and runs himself through.

The Englishman says,“A pistol for me, please. ”The chief gives him a pistol, the Englishman points it at his head and says,“God saves the queen! ”and blows his brains out.

The New Yorker says,“Give me a fork! ”The chief is puzzled, but he shrugs and gives him a fork. The New Yorker takes the fork and starts jabbing himself all over the stomach, the sides, the chest, everywhere.

There is blood gushing out all over, it’s horrible. The chief is appalled and asks,“My god, what are you doing? ”

And the New Yorker responds,“So much for your canoe you stupid cannibal! ”

被食人族抓住

一名法国人、一名英国人还有一名美国人被食人族抓住了。

首领走近他们说：“坏消息是，现在我们抓到你们了，要杀死你们。我们会把你们放进锅里，把你们煮了吃掉，然后我们会用你们的皮造一艘独木舟。好消息是你们可以选择死法。”

法国人说：“我要一把剑。”首领给了他一把剑，法国人大叫一声：“自由万岁！”然后拿剑穿过自己的胸膛。

英国人说：“请给我一支手枪。”首领递给他一支手枪，英国人拿枪对着自己的脑袋说：“上帝保佑女王！”然后一枪打爆自己的头。

美国人说：“给我一把叉子。”首领虽然觉得奇怪，但还是耸耸肩给了他一把。纽约人拿起叉子就往全身猛戳——胃部、腰、胸部的每一处。血喷得到处都是，非常恐怖。首领大骇，问：“天啊，你在干吗？”

美国人回答：“看你们这些愚蠢的食人族还怎么做独木舟！”

25 Lion and Lady

I had missed my afternoon train back to London and came to the theater only to see acrobats to while away the time.

Now I was quite relieved and felt the program“The Lion and the Lady”was really worth seeing.

She was beautiful, had long eyelashes, was wearing a bathing costume, and was holding a bar of chocolate in her teeth.

As a lion was set free, the audience broke into a storm of applause; they were filled with admiration for the director who managed to build up the tension by such simple means.

As the band struck up the ferocious animal put his fore paws on the lady’s shoulders, took the chocolate with his teeth and went away.

The audience was thrilled.

Presently the manager came.“Have you seen that? Who of you dare do such a thing?! I’ll give anyone ten‐pound who tries. Come on! ten‐pound!”he shouted waving a ten‐pound note.

In the dead silence that hung over the audience, a man’s voice was heard,“I’ll do it!”

“What?!”asked the manager, hardly able to believe his ears.

“Yes, ”repeated the man,“I will act the lion. ”

狮子和女郎

我没赶上下午开往伦敦的火车，就来到剧院看马戏打发时间。现在，我彻底放松，觉得“狮子和女郎”的节目确实值得一看。

她非常漂亮，长长的睫毛，穿着泳装，嘴里叼着一块巧克力。

当一只狮子从笼子里放出来时，观众们响起暴风雨般的掌声。他们对这个节目的导演啧啧称赞，因为他略施小计，便让场上的气氛变得紧张起来。

音乐声起，那只凶猛的狮子将前爪搭在女郎的肩上，用牙齿叼走了那块巧克力。

观众们都激动万分。

这时，经理走出来，一边喊，一边挥舞着10英镑的钞票：“你们看到了吧？在场的哪位敢这样做？谁愿意试试，我就给谁10英镑。来呀！10英镑！”

观众席上鸦雀无声。这时，响起了一个男人的声音：“我能行！”

“什么？！”经理问，几乎难以置信。

“是的，”那个人重复道，“我要来当狮子。”

26 A Fish Tale

A big‐time negotiator was out fishing one day when he caught a strange looking fish. He reeled the fish in, unhooked it, and threw it on the ground next to him. The fish stared writhing in agony and, to the negotiator’s surprise, said,“Please throw me back into the lake and I’ll grant you three wishes.”

“Any three wishes, huh? ”The negotiator mused as visions of expensive fast cars and beautiful women paraded through his head.

“Fish,” he finally exclaimed,“give me five wishes and I’ll throw you back.”

“Sorry, ”the fish answered while struggling for breath,“only three wishes.”

The negotiator’s pride was at stake and after giving the matter some thought he announced,“What do you take me for? A sucker? I’ll settle for four wishes.”

“Only three. ”the fish murmured weakly.

Fuming, the man debated the pros and cons of accepting the three wishes or continuing to bargain for that one extra wish. Finally, the negotiator decided it wasn’t worth looking a gift fish in the mouth and said,“All right, fish, you win, three wishes.”

Unfortunately, by then, the fish was dead.

一条鱼的故事

一天，一位一流的谈判专家外出垂钓，钓到一只长相怪异的鱼。他把鱼拉起来，取下鱼钩，把它扔到身旁的空地上。这条鱼痛苦地在地上翻滚，令这位谈判专家意想不到的是，它居然开口说道：“请把我放回湖里，我将实现你的三个愿望。”

“任何三个愿望，是吗？”这位专家沉思着，名贵的跑车以及漂亮女人的影像闪过大脑。

“鱼儿，”他最终说，“答应我五个愿望我就放过你。”

“对不起，”这条鱼努力呼吸，回答说，“只能三个愿望。”

谈判专家的尊严在受到挑战，对这事仔细考虑了一会儿，他发话了：“你把我当成什么了？一个笨蛋？满足我四个愿望好了。”

“只有三个。”鱼虚弱地呢喃。

有些生气的专家在接受三个愿望和继续讨价还价索要另一个愿望之间权衡。最后，他认为将这么一条神奇的鱼吃掉不划算，说：“好吧，鱼，你赢了，就三个愿望吧。”

不幸的是，这时那条鱼已经死了。

27 Drunk Superman

Two men are sitting at a bar, slowly sipping their drinks.

After a while, the first man approaches the other man, and sits next to him,“This place is great, isn’t it? ”He asks.

The second man, somewhat surprised at the stranger’s remark, replies,“Why do you say that? ”

The first man, in a low tone of voice, responds,“Follow me. ”The two of them walk over to a large window at the end of the room. The window faces out onto the street, twelve floors below.

“Here’s why. ”The first man throws open the window, and boldly steps out into thin air. But he remains aloft!

“The air is great here! ”he says,“It’s relaxing. ”

He floats back into the room. As his feet return to the bar‐room floor, he invites the second man to try it.

The second man, skeptical, peers out through the window‐down to the pavement twelve stories below. He looks to the other side, and finally up above, to see if there was anything holding the first man up.

Convinced that it was no trickery, the second man swallows, closes his eyes, and steps out into thin air. He promptly falls twelve stories to the pavement below.

The first man grins and returns to the bar. Looking rather irritated, the barkeeper comes over to the place where the man sits.

“You know, ”he says, disgusted,“you’re a real jerk when you’re drunk, Superman. ”

喝醉的超人

两个男人坐在酒吧里，慢慢地喝着自己的酒。

不久，第一个男人走到第二个男人的旁边，说：“这个地方很棒，是吧？”

第二个男人对他的话有些吃惊，问道：“为什么这么说呢？”

第一个人压低声音回应道：“跟我来。”这两人走到房间尽头的一扇大窗前。

窗户对着大街，在十二层。

“这就是原因。”第一个男人推开窗，勇敢地跨出去踩在稀薄的空气上，但是他却停在半空没有掉下去！

“这儿的空气真好啊！”他叫道，“真让人觉得放松。”

他飘回房内，双脚落回地面后，便邀请第二个人试一下。

那人有些怀疑地往窗外瞟了瞟——这儿离地面可有十二层楼高啊。他看看另一边，最后再看看上面，看是不是有什么东西支撑着这个人。

最后确定这不是个玩笑，那人便吞了口口水，闭上眼，迈入稀薄的空气里。然后他飞速地从十二楼掉下去摔在人行道上。

第一个人咧嘴笑着，回到酒吧。酒吧侍者恼火地走到他坐的地方。

“你知道吗，”他愤怒地说，“你喝醉时真是一个混蛋，超人。”

28 Special Pig

Farmer Michael got out of his car, and while heading for his friend’s door, noticed a pig with a wooden leg. His curiosity roused, and he asked,“Jack, how’d that pig get him a wooden leg?”

“Well Michael, that’s a mighty special pig! A wild boar attacked me while I was walking in the woods some time ago. That pig there ran into that boar and chased him away, saved my life!”

“And the boar tore up his leg?”“No, he was fine after that. But a bit later, we had that fire, startled in the shed up against the barn.Well, that pig started squealing like he was stuck, woke us up, and before we got out here, the pig had herded the other animals out of the barn and saved them all!”

“So, that’s when he hurt his leg, huh, Jack?”“No, Michael.He was a might winded, though. When my tractor hit a rock and rolled down the hill into the pond, I was knocked clean out. When I came to, that pig had dove into the pond and dragged me out before I drownded. Sure did save my life.”

“And that was when he hurt his leg?”“Oh, no, he was fine.Cleaned him up, too.”

“Okay, Jack. So, just tell me. How did he get the wooden leg?”

“Well, ”the farmer tells him,“a pig like that, you don’t want to eat all at once.”

神奇的猪

农夫米歇尔走下车，正向他朋友家走去时，注意到一只安着木腿的猪。他的好奇心被唤醒了，问道：“杰克，那只猪怎么会有木腿呢？”

“嗯，米歇尔，那可是一只神奇的猪啊！不久前当我走在树林中时，一只野猪攻击我，这只猪飞奔过来把它赶走了。他救了我的命！”

“那只野猪把他的腿给撕碎了？”“不，事后他安然无恙。但是不久以后我们家着火了，火是从仓库前的棚开始烧起来的。那只猪开始大叫，把我们都惊醒了，在我们赶出去之前，这家伙已经把所有的动物都带出了仓库，救了它们的命！”

“所以就是在那时候他的腿受伤了，杰克？”“不，米歇尔，他那时候只是受了一点儿轻伤。后来，我的拖拉机撞到一块岩石，然后从山上滚进了一个池塘里面，我被撞晕。当我醒过来的时候，发现这只猪已经游进池塘，在我差点儿淹死之际把我给拖上岸。自然，他又救了我一次。”

“他就在那时受的伤？”“噢，不，他没事。还把他自己洗干净了呢。”

“好吧，杰克，快告诉我，他是怎样安上木腿的呢？”

“嗯，”这个农夫告诉他，“像这样的一只猪，你可不想一次就把他吃掉吧。”

29 Who Had the Most Tragic Death

Three men stood by the Golden Gate and St. Peter said,“Sorry, we’re all filled up so only one of you can come into heaven. So, out of you three, the one who had the most tragic death of all may enter and the rest of you had better put on some sunscreen. ”

The first man spoke,“Well, I am a newlywed and I tend to get jealous of my wife and her male friends, so I forbid her to see any of them while I was at work. But today I came home early and saw two wine glasses on the coffee table and when I asked my wife what was going on, she blushed and was silent. I searched the entire house for her male friend and finally I spotted someone’s hands grasping the railing on our balcony. In a fit of rage I stomped on the hands until the rascal fell 12 stories down into the BFI bin below. When I realized he was still alive, I unhooked my fridge and threw it over the railing. In the process of doing this. I had a heart attack.”

St. Peter replied,“Wow, that’s too bad. Next?”

The second man began to speak,“I am a window washer and I was minding my own business and washing the 15th story windows at an apartment when my safety rope snapped and I began to fall. I reached out and in a stroke of luck, grabbed onto a balcony railing on the 12th story. I was trying to catch my breath and waited for someone to rescue me when some lunatic started to stomp on my hands until I lost my grip and fell into the BFI bin below. I opened my eyes in disbelief only to see a fridge come crashing down onto my head.”

St.Peter replied,“My, my...that is bad. Next?”

The third man spoke last,“Well, I was hiding in the fridge when...”

谁死得更惨

三个男人站在天门外，圣·彼得说：“对不起，我们这儿人满为患，你们中只有一个能进入天堂。所以，你们三人当中死得最惨的才能进入，其他只能涂点遮光剂。”

第一个人说：“我刚结婚不久，很嫉妒我妻子和她的男性朋友，所以在我上班的时候禁止她见任何男性朋友。但今天我回家较早，看见茶几上放了两杯葡萄酒，当我问妻子发生了什么时，她红着脸不说话。我搜遍了整个屋子，想找出她的朋友，最后发现有个人的手抓住我家阳台的栏杆。我对着那双手就是一阵狂踢，直到那个流氓从12楼掉下去，可惜下面正好有一堆纸箱。当我得知他还活着时，就搬起家里的冰箱从阳台上往下砸去，然后我突发心脏病身亡。”

圣·彼得说：“喔，够惨的。下一个？”

第二个人开始说：“我是一个窗户清洁工，我在清洗公寓15楼的窗户时，安全带不幸突然绷断，我开始坠落。但幸运的是，我抓住了12楼阳台的栏杆。我屏住呼吸等人来救我，突然有个神经病使劲乱踢我的手，直到我失手掉进下面的一堆纸箱。我睁开眼睛一看，一个冰箱正朝我的头上砸来。”

圣·彼得说：“哎呀，够惨的。下一个？”

第三个人最后说：“咳，我当时正藏在冰箱里，突然……”